


The Slaughterhouse Nine Go Hollywood

by asododsteel



Category: Parahumans Series - Wildbow
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-03-30 04:41:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13942806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asododsteel/pseuds/asododsteel
Summary: Jack Slash faces his greatest challenge yet.





	1. Chapter 1

The sun was shining, the sky was clear, and a warm breeze blew through the air. It was days like these that made Jack Slash happy to be alive. He was sitting outside a small cafe, the morning’s newspaper in one hand, a cup of tea in another. It was a rare moment of peace, one where he didn’t have to worry about fighting heroes or babysitting the rest of the Nine. 

This peace was interrupted, however, by the sound of gasps. He raised his eyes from the paper to see a pair of young women glancing in his direction. They appeared to be college-aged, maybe in their mid-twenties, and were staring at him nervously. The pair turned away the moment they locked eyes with him, but continued to whisper back and forth to each other. Jack smiled. It seemed this peaceful moment was about to come to an end.

Jack watched them gather up their things, and began reaching for the knife hidden in his belt. He was just about to unsheathe it, when he noticed something strange. The girls were moving towards him, not away. He was even more surprised by what came out their mouth.

“Can we get an autograph?”

His hand dropped from the knife. “I’m... sorry?”

“I hope it’s not a hassle,” said one, “but we’re both huge fans.” 

“Yeah!” said the other, “We just love your work!”

“Oh, really?” Jack said, taken aback. He was shocked, but not unpleasantly so. It was about time people started appreciating his art. His smile broadened as he took the proffered pen and paper. “In that case, I’d love to.”

“Oh my gosh, yes!” exclaimed the first one, “Thank you so much, Mr. Depp!”

Jack dropped the pen.

 

“Johnny Depp!” screamed Jack as he barged into the hideout. The other members of the Slaughterhouse Nine briefly jumped at his outburst. “Every time! No matter where I go! No matter what I do! It’s always Johnny! Freaking! Depp!“

“Language!” called out Bonesaw from the couch.

Jack fished a dollar coin out of his pocket and chucked it at the swear jar before continuing on his rant.

“What’s going on?” asked Cherish, looking up from her magazine.

“Someone mistook Jack for Johnny Depp again.” explained Bonesaw in a bored tone.

“Again? Is this something that happens frequently?”

“More often than you’d think.” Bonesaw replied, “I honestly don’t see why it bothers him. I really like Johnny Depp! He was great in the _It's a Small World_ movies.”

“No, he was not great! There is nothing great about him!” shouted Jack as he stomped back into the room. “He’s nothing but a no-talent glory-stealing hack! I was killing long before he became famous, but somehow he’s the one that everyone knows! I’m the one with super powers! I’m the one who’s the S-ranked threat! They should be mistaking him for me, not the other way around!” He collapsed into a chair. “It’s like... how many people do you need to slaughter just to get some damn recognition?”

“Language.” said Bonesaw again.

Jack grumbled and fished out another coin before tossing it weakly at the girl. It plinked off her shoe and rolled underneath the couch.

“If you’re worried about being confused with him, why not change your look?” asked Cherish.

“Why should I change it?” replied Jack, “He’s the one who sucks.”

“Lang-” started Bonesaw, before ducking the wallet thrown at her face. 

“Well, if that’s the attitude you’re taking, I can’t help you.” said Cherish, “It’s not like you’re gonna get him to change his appearance.”

Jack nodded dully, before suddenly sitting up. “That’s it...”

Cherish frowned. “What’s-”

“We’ll change his appearance.” said Jack, a mad smile forming on his face. He stood up and began pacing back and forth. “Maybe a large scar across his perfect nose. Or a big chuck out of those beautiful lips. Or some daggers in his deep, soulful eyes. Yes, that would do nicely, don’t you think?”

“Are you actually asking our opinion or-”

“Or we can skip the formalities and just take the whole head off! I can see it now: ‘Oh no, I couldn’t possibly be Mr. Depp. As you can see, I still have my head!’” Jack laughed to himself, clearly caught up in his fantasies. It was only as his laughter died down that he seemed to recall there being other people in the room.

“Bonesaw, Cherish. I’ve made up my mind. Go gather the others. We’re going to Hollywood!”

“Really?” exclaimed Bonesaw, stars appearing in her eyes. Cherish was 95% sure that was Tinkertech.

“Really!” replied Jack, renewed vigor in his voice. 

“What about recruiting a new member?” asked Cherish.

“That can wait. We’ve got a more important mission. Perhaps the most important we’ve ever done.” His already wide smile stretched out to near inhuman lengths. “We’re going to kill Johnny Depp!”


	2. Chapter 2

Cherish knocked on the door. “Mannequin. You in here?” 

She didn’t wait for a response, opening the door and stepping inside. She found the Tinker at his workbench, fiddling with some new arm piece. He didn’t look up from his work as Cherish approached, merely raising a bladed finger to signify he was busy.

“Yeah, that’s cool; I didn’t come to talk. Just wanted to let you know we’re going to Hollywood so Jack can kill Johnny Depp.”

Mannequin stopped working and raised his head, staring at Cherish with his blank, expressionless face.

“Yes, that is really what’s happening.”

Mannequin shook his head and began packing up his tools. 

Cherish moved on to the next room, gathering the last member of the Nine. She found Burnscar sitting on the floor, staring intently at a lit candle.

“Hey Burnscar, pack you’re things. We’re going to Hollywood.”

Burnscar looked up, brow furrowed in confusion. “Why?”

“Jack wants to kill Johnny Depp.”

“Who?”

“You know, Johnny Depp? The actor?”

Burnscar shook her head.

“You know Edward Scissorhands?”

“Ah, yes.” Burnscar nodded, “The scissor-handed man. He shall make a fine opponent.”

“You know that’s just a movie, ri-”

She was cut off by Burnscar running past her. “Can’t talk, must prepare.” 

Cherish sighed. “This is it. This is my life now.”

 

Cherish returned to the main room to find Jack in the midst of an argument with Shatterbird.

“No, I get what the plan is.” the glass-covered woman said, “I just don’t understand why. What’s the point?”

“The point is that there’s not enough room on this earth for two dark, idiosyncratic pretty-boys capable of seeing into the twisted nature of the human soul. One of them has got to go; and it’s not going to be me.”

“How do you even plan on getting to Hollywood? It’s not exactly a short drive, and we have Crawler to think about.”

“Simple; we fly. You can use your power to steal an airplane and-”

“I’m just gonna cut you off right there.” said Shatterbird, “I’ve been reading up on Earth Aleph history, and I do not feel comfortable hijacking a plane.”

“Fine.” Jack sulked, “Then we’ll just have to do this the old fashioned way.”

 

 

The freight inspector walked along the rails, moving from one car to the next. It was not a terribly exciting job, but it beat sitting behind a desk all day. Still, as he approached the last train car, he was glad his shift was almost over. 

He opened the door. He saw what was inside. He closed the door.

“Um, Sir?” he spoke into his radio, “We have a bit of a situation.”

“What is it?” his boss messaged back, “Drugs?”

“No, sir. It’s a giant monster.”

“A giant monster?”

“Yes. Like a black six-legged dinosaur, covered in eyeballs and tentacles.”

“Hmm... Did it have any drugs on it?”

“It did not appear to, no.”

“Then it’s officially not our problem.”

“I suppose not.”

The inspector turned off his radio and made his way back to the station, idly wondering if there were any openings for a desk job.

 

Jack stepped out of the train car, letting the warm California sun hit his face. It was a good day to kill celebrities. Cherish followed out behind him, stretching from the cramped journey.

“So...” she asked, preparing to use her power, “What am I looking for?”

“A self-centered talentless superficial egomaniacal glory hound with no respect for the finer things in life!” growled Jack.

Cherish stared at him. “You know we’re in Los Angeles, right?”

“Alright then.” said Jack, “Let’s go with plan B. We’ll split up into teams of two and scour the city for that piece of human garbage.”

“Ooh! I call Disneyland!” exclaimed Bonesaw excitedly.

“Bonesaw, Disneyland’s in Anaheim. That’s like 30 miles away.” said Cherish.

“It’s okay, I can ride Crawler there.”

“Fine by me.” said the beast, “I can finally see if the Tower of Terror is as dangerous as it sounds.”

“Sounds like a plan.” said Jack, “What about you, Siberian?”

The black and white woman looked at Mannequin and extended her thumb and pinky finger. Mannequin nodded and retrieved two collapsible surf boards from his torso.

“Ah, checking the water.” said Jack, “Smart.”

“In that case, I’ll take the shopping district.” said Shatterbird.

“And I’ll come with.” Cherish quickly added.

“No, Cherish, you’re with me.” said Jack, “I want to be there in case you get close enough to sniff him out.”

“Very well then.” said Shatterbird, “I suppose that leaves me with...” she turned towards the train car, where Burnscar was just climbing out, cradling a large stone.

“I have obtained the perfect weapon for defeating the scissor man.” declared the pyro.

“Burnscar,” Cherish said slowly, “That’s a rock.”

“Of course.” Burnscar smiled, “Rock beats scissors.”


	3. Chapter 3

Jack Slash slumped against the bench, exhausted. It had been almost three hours now, and he still had not found hide nor hair of that rat bastard, Johnny Depp. It didn’t help that Cherish hadn’t bothered to look up from her smart phone the entire time they were searching.

“This is harder than I thought it’d be.” Jack muttered out loud.

“It’s almost as if this whole thing was a complete waste of time.” replied Cherish disinterestedly.

“Well!” snapped Jack, “Maybe if you could rip your head away from that machine for five minutes, we’d be able to find him!”

“Found him.” said Cherish.

“What?”

“He’s at Vikare Studios over on Melrose Ave.”

“How-”

“IMDb.”

Jack gave her a look. She sighed. “I looked up what films he’s currently attached to. Of all the projects he’s working on this year, only one is currently in filming: the new Tim Burton flick. I looked up what studio’s producing it, where they’re filming, and whether they’ll be shooting today. Judging by Depp’s Twitter activity, he just got off on lunch, so if we head to the studio now, we should be able to catch him as he’s getting back.”

Jack jumped to his feet, a smile on his face, and put his hands on Cherish’s shoulders.

“Cherish, I take back everything I’ve said about you and your horrible generation.”

“Thanks.” said Cherish, “Wish I could say the same.”

 

Jack and Cherish stared up at the studio gate as it loomed before them, shining in the bright sun. Behind that regal edifice lay the place where dreams became reality. The only obstacle was the lone security guard at his station.

“Here’s the plan,” whispered Jack as they approached, “I slash the guard’s throat. Then, while you dispose of the body, I sneak in wearing his uniform and kill Depp. Sound good?”

Cherish didn’t reply, walking ahead right up to the guard.

“Excuse me.” she said, “Can you please let us in? I lost my dog, and I think I saw it run in here.”

The guard gave her a skeptical look, no doubt having heard similar stories before. As he looked at her, however, he felt inexplicably trusting, as if all his doubts were being slowly drained away.

“Alright.” he said, “I’ll call security. Have them keep an eye out.”

“No!” said Cherish, earnestly, “He’s very scared of strangers. If they chase him, he might run away and hurt himself. These studios are such dangerous places, I’d hate for something to happen to him.” 

Cherish gave him a pleading look. Normally, the guard wouldn’t have cared about some missing dog, but he felt a strange and sudden sympathy for the girl’s plight, mixed with a bit of nostalgia and regret. 

“Fine.” said the guard, “You and your father can go inside; just don’t cause trouble.”

“Thank you so much!” beamed Cherish, passing through the gate.

“Father?” muttered Jack as they were out of earshot. “I could understand him mistaking me for an older brother or something, but father? I don’t look that old, right Cherish? Cherish? Cherish, you’re not answering me. Why are you smirking? Cherish!”

 

The two capes skulked around the backlot, keeping an eye open for their target.

“So, here we are.” said Cherish. “What now?”

“Now we find Depp.” answered Jack.

“How?”

“Not sure.” he replied, “I didn’t think we’d get this far. I suppose we’ll just have to ask around.”

“Jack, that’s a terrible-”

Cherish didn’t get a chance to finish, as Jack leisurely approached one of the film crew.

“Excuse me.” he said in a friendly tone.

The young man looked up from his clipboard. 

“Hm? Oh! Mr. Depp, you’re back so soon.”

It took all of Jack’s willpower not to grab his knife and start cutting. Instead, he took a deep breath, forced a smile, and said, “Yes, that’s me. Johnny Depp, in the oh-so carvable flesh.” he gave a short, repressed laugh, “Yes, sir. Nothing I love better than being a famous movie star.” he attempted another laugh, but what came out more closely resembled gagging, ”Say, I’m a bit worn from all of my shameless showboating. Would you mind showing me to my trailer?”

“Of course.” replied the crewman. He was just about to lead the way, when he noticed Cherish hiding behind Jack. “I’m sorry, you are?”

The girl flinched. “Um, I’m...”

“She’s my niece!” blurted out Jack. He and Cherish locked eyes.

“Yeah, what he said.” nodded Cherish.

“Hm. I didn’t know you had a niece. Oh well.” the young man extended a hand, “It’s a pleasure to meet you miss...”

“Eliza.” said Cherish, just as Jack said “Joan.”

The crewman gave a confused look.

“Um, Joan is my first name,” explained Cherish, “but I normally go by my middle name, Elizabeth. That makes sense, right?”

“Definitely!” replied Jack. “My genuine niece: Joan Elizabeth Depp.”

“Joan E. Depp?” asked the young man, his eyebrow raised.

Jack and Cherish glanced at each other. 

“Yes.” they said in unison.

The crewman was about to respond to this, when he suddenly found himself not caring. More than that, it was as if all his enthusiasm was evaporating before his eyes, leaving only a feeling of deep apathy.

“Whatever.” he said, sliding down onto a nearby crate. “Your trailer’s around the corner there.” he pointed weakly, “You can go on ahead, I don’t really feel like walking.”

Jack and Cherish nodded and set off, leaving the young man to his newfound ennui.

 

“This is it!” declared Jack. Before him was a sizable trailer, the name Johnny Depp printed on the side. “I’ve waited my entire life for this!”

“Have you?” asked Cherish.

Jack considered it. “I’ve waited 40 hours for this!”

Cherish shook her head. “Let’s get this over with.”

They slowly opened the door. It was dark inside, all the curtains drawn shut, but from the light of the doorway they could make out a roomy and well furnished living area. They slipped inside and took their positions; ready to strike the moment Depp entered. What the duo failed to realize was that they were not alone.

“So, you’ve finally come.” came a deep, silky voice from further inside the trailer.

Jack and Cherish froze.

“I knew it was only a matter of time. I’d introduce myself, but I’m sure you already know who I am.”

The two capes slowly turned their heads to the source of the voice.

Sitting in the shadows, a gun in his hand, was beloved Hollywood actor Johnny Depp.


	4. Chapter 4

Jack Slash held his breath. Finally, after all this time, after all this hardship, he had found his nemesis: Johnny Depp.

He smiled, relaxed despite the gun pointed at his head. “It seems you were expecting us.”

“It was hard not to.” replied the actor. He picked up a remote with his free hand and pointed it towards the wall. As the lights turned on and the curtains drew open, a flat screen television rose up from the cabinet and flickered to life. It was currently tuned to the local news. The sound was muted, but Jack and Cherish could read the headline scrolling across the bottom:

**SLAUGHTERHOUSE 9 SPOTTED IN LA**

There was a clip of Shatterbird flying through a mall, arms full of shopping bags. The picture changed to a shot of Disneyland, where Murder Rat was chasing down a man in a Mickey Mouse suit; Bonesaw following along, camera in hand. It changed again to show Siberian sunbathing on the beach, Mannequin surfing in the background.

“Huh. I suppose we could have been a bit more discrete.” Jack conceded, “Still, rather bold of you to invite us into your refuge like this; especially armed only with that pea shooter there.”

“I hardly need a weapon to deal with the likes of you.” replied Depp solemnly.

“I suppose you don’t.” grinned Jack, “So why don’t you drop the gun and we settle this like men? Or should I say, like capes?”

“Wait, what?” cut in Cherish.

“Isn’t it obvious?” asked Jack, “I know I’ve been critical of Depp before. I’ve insulted him and called him a bad actor. But the truth is, he’s not a bad actor, nor a good actor, nor even a great actor. As much as I hate to admit it, he is one of the most magnificent actors of all time. His range, his subtlety, his ability to transform into the role. There’s only one rational explanation: Johnny Depp is a parahuman!”

Cherish stared at Jack. “What.”

Depp chuckled. “So you’ve figured it out.”

Cherish turned to him. “What?!”

“What he says is true. Long before I became a star, I triggered with the ability to alter and control my own anatomy. I was the perfect actor, capable of becoming anyone or anything.”

“So you chose to become me.” said Jack

“Yes.” admitted Depp, “I needed an appearance to match my dramatic talent. Using my powers, I gave myself the most handsome face in the world.”

“Most handsome in the world, huh?” preened Jack, hand falling away from his knife to stroke his beard.

“Unfortunately,” continued Depp, “that didn’t rate well with test audiences, so I was stuck with your face instead.”

Jack deflated a bit. “Oh, I see. Test audiences. Right. Of course. Are those your last words?”

“Well, I-” Depp was cut off, as a literal cut appeared across his throat. Before any blood could spill out, however, the skin melded itself back together. 

“Complete anatomical control.” repeated Depp to the knife wielding Jack, “Your blades are useless.”

Jack responded by slashing a large X across Depp’s chest. The actor glanced down and watched as the wounds sealed themselves up. He frowned. “I liked that shirt.”

“Cherish, do something!” yelled Jack, “Make him kill himself!”

“I’m trying.” replied Cherish, “For some reason I can’t get a lock on him.”

“I’m an actor.” explained Depp, “I’ve spent years mastering my emotions. The only time I feel is when the camera’s rolling.”

“Hmm...” muttered Jack, “I suppose that leaves us but one option.”

“What?” asked Cherish.

“Run away!” Jack scrambled to the door, only to cry out in frustration as it refused to budge. “Damn it! What kind of door locks from the inside?”

“Well,” spoke Depp, casually, “Since you appear to be out of ideas, I guess that makes it my turn.”

He rose and stretched, his arms held taut as his hands became long, flat, and metallic. Jack and Cherish watched in an indescribable mixture of shock and disbelief as Johnny Depp transformed both of his hands into giant pairs of scissors. Before either could react, however, a roaring shout was heard from outside.

“Found you!”

This was immediately followed by a loud crash as Burnscar dove through the window, scattering glass everywhere. She lunged for Johnny Depp, flinging a fireball right at his chest. He managed to sidestep this, however, and planted a strong kick in her midsection. She was sent flying back to the other side of the room, crashing into the opposite wall, before disappearing in a burst of flame.

Depp gave a look of confusion, which swiftly turned to shock as he collapsed onto the floor. Burnscar was standing behind him, amid the burning remains of his chair, a large rock in her hands. She looked at Cherish and grinned.

“Well,” said Cherish, after a moment of stunned silence, “That just happened.”

Jack didn’t reply, stepping forward to loom over the unconscious form of Johnny Depp.

“So, what now?” Cherish asked, “You gonna finish him off?”

For a few moments Jack said nothing, merely standing there staring at Depp. Then, a smile came to his face. “No.” he said, “No, I have a better idea.”


	5. Chapter 5

Johnny Depp awoke tied to a chair, his head pounding. He was in a dark room, the doors and windows boarded up. Hearing the sound of footsteps, he looked up to see he wasn’t alone.

“Jack.”

“Johnny.”

“I’m alive.”

“So you are.”

“Why?”

The serial killer smiled. “Why indeed? The more I think about it, the less sense it makes. I went through all this effort just to find you, the least I could do is finish the job.” he chuckled to himself, “After all, you represent everything I despise in this world. Everything fake and superficial. Ending you would be like ripping out society’s very heart.” he sighed, “But, I’ve come to realize something. We’re not so different, you and I.”

Depp raised an eyebrow, “How so?”

“We’re both outsiders. Mavericks. People who see the world in a way no one else does, and who've made it our mission in life to share this perspective with the thankless masses. You don’t care about fame or fortune; what matters to you is your art. Making a statement. Carving your name into this absurd, meaningless earth.”

“And? What’s your point?”

“My point is that you’re wasting your potential as an actor. Why squander your talent here in Hollywood when you could be out there doing so much more?”

“Like what?”

Jack grinned. “Come now. A clever man like you; I don’t have to spell it out.”

Depp furrowed his brow. “Hmm. You paint a pretty picture, but I’m comfortable with my life as it is.”

“Perhaps, but a comfortable life is nothing compared to what I’m offering.”

“And what would that be?”

Jack spread his arms. “The role of a lifetime!”

 

 

Johnny Depp sat in his trailer, reading the newspaper and enjoying a hot cup of tea.

The television clamored in the background:

“In other news, the infamous super villain group the Slaughterhouse Nine has disbanded, following infighting and leader Jack Slash’s controversial decision to recruit non-powered actress Helena Bonham Carter. Protectorate officials had this to say-”

Depp sighed and changed the channel. The Nine weren’t his problem anymore.

He set down his drink and stared into the nearby mirror, admiring his visage. The changes Bonesaw had made were subtle. Darker eyes, shorter face, less of a widow’s peak. Minor things, but enough to make a difference.

There was a voice from outside the trailer. “Mr. Depp, you’re wanted on set.”

Johnny Depp smiled. 

“Time to knock 'em dead.”


End file.
